Though it doesn’t happen often, a person can eventually reach a point where there are no further frontiers to explore. He or she has base jumped, free-based, gone to space, attended Burning Man, worn a velvet suit, done space drugs, killed a man with his or her bare hands, and eaten another person. And when there’s no place left to go, there’s only one place left to go…
Wait. Brace yourself. Prepare. Do you know the place?
It’s the Ultimate S&M Fuckfest (US&MF^2).
How do you get there? Good question. You find a puzzle box. You get yourself a room, the more squalid the better. You burn some candles, get sweaty, and you caress the hell out of that box. You run your thumbs along the edges like there’s no tomorrow. Still sweating? Good. Don’t stop. You’re gonna need to be real sweaty.
Then they show up. The Cenobites. They’re all whips and chains and leather and fish-hooked nipples. They’re all “We have such sights to show you.” And you’re all “This isn’t what I signed up for,” but it’s too late. You’ve already got a ring of giant hooks stretching your face out like some kind of sentient cartoon flapjack, so all your words just come out as “garghgghghggllllghghg.” And the Cenobites are all “Yeah, we know, we get that a lot.”
Then you’re off. On your way to the US&MF^2. Nothing will ever be the same, hoss. Bet on that.
And while you’re doing that, kick back with a pair of headphones and listen to the Videogre commentary of Clive Barker’s gloriously depraved Hellraiser. You can download the episode here.
The Videogres have such sights to show you…