My Speech to the Graduating Class of 1999, as portrayed in the movie Class of 1999

Well gang, i’d be lying if I said this hasn’t been quite a year.

Where to begin?

I think we’re all still reeling from the death of Sonny Culp, first of all. Addiction is a terrible thing, but being forcefully overdosed by a crazed cyborg in the hallway of your school is a real bummer, you know? Not to mention the fact that we were never truly allowed to morn Sonny’s passing, given the immediate outbreak of war between the Blackhearts and Razorheads, which then spilled over into an apocalyptic fracas between the students and our murderous robotic faculty.

Yep. Quite a year. It’s hard to believe that I graduated only two short years ago. We had a water balloon fight at my school. Forget Edge, back in my day we thought Peppermint Schnapps was a crazy time. Our teachers just beat us with their words and hands, not military ordnance fired from a futuristic robotic hand cannon. But what am I doing? Taking a trip down memory lane? Suffice it to say that it was a simpler time back in those days. One wonders how things changed so much.

Then of course we come to the death of Angel Culp. Tiny, sweet, freaky little Angel. He never really looked right, but I think that’s one of the reasons we all loved him so. And the way he went…Dying early is terrible under any circumstances, but to have a robot kill you by smashing you against a wall, it’s just…

*WIPES FACE, REGAINS COMPOSURE*

Angel was a freaky little dude and he didn’t deserve what he got. And who can forget missus Culp, faced with the prospect of buying two caskets for two sons, all the while supporting her own raging drug habit. From what I understand, she was able to save some money by burying Angel and Sonny in the same casket, but that’s cold comfort to a mother, I’m sure.

Beyond the staggering loss of life and the catastrophic failure of our Cyborg Teacher pilot program, we’re also dealing with the complete destruction of our beloved school, during which we lost numerous unnamed Blackhearts and Razorheads. Thankfully Cody Culp made it out alive, but only after being forced to kill one of the teachers with a forklift. That’s the kind of thing that stays with a person for a lifetime, Cody, but we’re all glad you did it, and that’s why you’re this year’s Valedictorian, despite the fact that you’re barely literate, have nowhere near the required amount of credits necessary for graduation, and that you’ve spent less than three days in school over the last five years combined. Also, let’s face facts, you were never cut-out for work in the corporate sector. You’ll probably wind up telemarketing or something. So congratulations on that diploma and thanks for killing those Cyborgs. Say hi to your mother for me.

Advice. What advice can I offer you that you haven’t already gleaned from the collective near-death experience we’ve all just endured? For one, if you’re ever approached by a mega-corporation offering you demilitarized cyborgs as teacher stand-ins, you’re going to want to take a hard pass on that one. Second, if the trends in this school year are any indicator of the future, as I believe they are, it’s a good time to invest in Edge, junk-piles, and caskets. Also, don’t bother quitting your gang in an attempt to go straight; it’s a recipe for disaster and you’ll undoubtedly end up right back where you started. Bonus: behave in class, because you never know when a teacher might chuck you against a wall or fill your mouth with vials of illicit drugs and smash your head in a locker.

Also, guys, wear sunscreen. Thank you. Goodnight.

(The Videogres Podcommentary for the smash-hit, award-winning science fiction masterpiece Class of 1999 can be found on their Libsyn page, or by searching Videogres on ITunes.)

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