A brief statement from the Janitor that steals Hossein’s gold tooth after it’s knocked out during his match with Frank Dux:
The worst thing about being a Kumite janitor is the blood. Now, we’re talking standard Kumite here, not AquaKumite, LavaKumite, or the dreaded Royal Jelly Kumite, all of which have their own problems, I’m sure. I don’t work for those Kumites. I work for the old fashioned Kumite, where the fighters do their thing on a big white mat that eventually turns into something like a half-pipe for the final round. But I digress. We were talking about blood.
It gets everywhere. And we do this on a white mat. Do you have any idea what that’s like? Two dumb animals kick the shit out of each other and then the Kumite ref stands there, outraged, staring at me and pointing at the blood-pool on the Kumite mat, like I’m the asshole. Like I’m supposed to defy every law of nature and sweep up a liquid.
You’d think they’d maybe spring for some kind of puke-sawdust for me. They must make that for blood too, right? But no. They give me a shitty broom made of straw, like, here you go, dip-shit. Make magic.
And then one day, in the middle of the Kumite, Frank Dux knocks out some asshole’s tooth. A gold tooth. Naturally, I grab it. A Kumite janitor in my division makes less than a dollar a week and we need to fund our own replacement straw for the brooms. What am I going to do? Sweep it up and bring it to Kumite Lost and Found? Here you go, guys. I’m sure you won’t just keep this for yourselves. Of course not. So I grab it. And let me tell you something, it wasn’t even that nice; it was just a real tooth, plated with gold. I got fifteen bucks for it.
And then the letters started coming in. People were outraged that I would grab the tooth. They said it should go to Frank Dux, back to Hossein, some people even said that I should have given it to that guy that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds, because he just suffered so much at the hands of Chong Li. Chong Li! Can you even believe that? The guy works as a long-haul trucker back in the states, but I’m supposed to give him a gold tooth because some mailman fucked up and delivered a Kumite invitation to his house, and he was stupid enough to accept it? I don’t think so.
Anyway, my point is this: Pitmas is the season of giving and understanding. It’s the season where we take a minute to think before we speak, before we pretend to understand what it’s like to be a Kumite janitor, before we pretend to think that we know everything. Was that tooth a Pitmas Miracle? Sure. But you don’t need a gold plated tooth to celebrate Pitmas. That’s not what it’s about.
I’ll tell you a secret, though. Do you want to know what it’s really about? Buckle up…
The real Pitmas miracle is when you can be a golden tooth to someone else. Think about it. All it takes is a little patience and understanding.
Thank you. Goodnight.
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And don’t forget to deck your screens with Fessenden, fa la la la la, la la la la.