Tag Archives: commentary

The Videogres Buy a Hard Ticket to Hawaii

You: Does it have killer snakes?

Us: Yes.

You: Does it have Bladed frisbees?

Us: Does the pope shit in the woods? Of course.

You: Does it have bazooka Snipers?

Us: What are we, amateurs? Yes, it’s got Bazooka Snipers.

You: But does it have feathered hair?

Us: You calling us bush-league? IT’S GOT MORE FEATHERED HAIR THAN YOU CAN HANDLE, GUY.

Join the Videogres as they discuss: Haard Ticket…to Ha-WhaaaaaaAAAAaaaaa-eeeeeee!

Find it at our blog, or on Itunes.

 

 

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The Videogres Ponder the Shells in Demolition Man

It’s funny how life works sometimes.

The first time I watched Demolition Man, I hated it. Now, twenty-four years later, after watching it a second time, I think it’s fair to say that I saw a completely different movie this time around. The question, then, is which of us changed? Me, or Demolition Man?

I’m gonna go with me on this one, though I wouldn’t put it past our Lizard-People overlords to alter Demolition Man just to mess with me.

Maybe it’s age? Maybe I’ve learned to see the world through new eyes. Maybe I’ve learned to love. Maybe I’ve danced in the rain, like no one was watching. Maybe it’s ironic, don’t you think? Maybe I’ve fallen in love again, for the first time, for the second time, for the first time. Maybe I’ve learned to let my smile change the world, but to never let  the world change my smile. Maybe, just maybe, during those times when there was only one set of footprints on that beach, the Demolition Man was carrying me.

Side question: Who was the Demolition Man, anyway? Was it Snipes or Stallone? I mean, Snipes blew up more shit, but Stallone was wiping his ass with foreign objects and falling in love with rat-meat burgers. Shouldn’t the movie have been called Demolition Men? I digress.

Upon second viewing, I saw beyond the veil and into the deep, throbbing core of Demolition Man. You know what I saw? It might surprise you. I saw a movie that was an even bigger piece of shit than I had initially thought. I saw through the shittiness and saw even more shittiness behind that first shittiness. I’ll bet if I live long enough to see through that second level of shittiness that I’ll see even more shittiness. I’ll bet it’s shittiness all the way through.

You can download our commentary for Demolition Ma(e)n at out Libsyn page, or via Itunes. So go do that already.

P.S. The Deathstalker contest is still on, you fucking monsters. Stop withholding your affection from us.

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The Videogres Finish Something

One of the great mysteries of my life has been why this week’s movie was called Ninja III: The Domination.  To my knowledge, there are no Ninja I, or Ninja II. Or at least that’s what I thought until we began recording, at which point Pete brought the walls of my world crashing down by mentioning that he’d always thought that this was the final in a triad comprised of Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and Ninja III: The Domination.

It made sense. Sho Kosugi is the common bond between the three, along with the general overarching theme of ninjadom. Beyond that, there’s not much cohesion. But did anyone really think there would be? I’m still not even sure I understand what was going on in any of these films, with the exception of a whole lotta ass-kicking, courtesy of the aforementioned Sho Kosugi.

Sho Kosugi’s ass-kicking is a language older and more powerful than words, is what I’m trying to say. That, and that this is probably a part of a crazy trilogy of ninja films that I watched countless times as a child, at no point realizing that they were related.

No one ever accused me of being sharp.

Join us as we watch the final in a trilogy I had no idea existed. Our Commentary for Ninja III: The Domination can be downloaded from Itunes or our Libsyn page.

Best of luck!

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A Brief Message From Android Cop

Guys, please stop comparing me to Robocop. You act like the world only needs one cop robot. There’s plenty of room for all. Frankly, I’ve got a tremendous amount of respect for RC. The guy was a legend and he paved the way for the rest of us.

I mean, people will go out on a Friday night and pay to hear some asshole sing Willy Nelson covers, but we can’t have one other robot cop without people drawing frivolous comparisons?

My god you humans are a test.

Download the Videogres commentary for Android Cop on Itunes, or via our Libsyn page.

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The Videogres Watch as a Ninja Avenges Himself; Also, a Contest.

Have you ever wondered who can kill a ninja? Spoiler Alert: Only a Ninja can do it! Was that even from this movie? I can’t remember. We might be talking Enter the Ninja right now, or American Ninja, or Ninja III: The Domination, or Ninja Nightmare, or Ninja Assassin or Ninjas Take Manhattan. But let’s not beat around the bush about it. This week’s movie is Revenge of the Ninja.

It’s got all the hallmarks of a great Ninja movie: flips, car chases, swords, shurikens in eyeballs, (keistered?) smoke-bombs, dolls, those magical gang-signs some Ninjas do prior to engaging in combat. It’s got everything. Everything. So go download our commentary for it from our Libsyn page, or Itunes. Frankly we don’t give a shit, as long as you download it.

NOW! TO BUSINESS! As mentioned in this week’s episode, it’s contest time. Add a comment to this post with your suggestion for the next movie we should watch, along with an explanation of why we should watch it. We’ll select a winner based on the quality of the suggestion/logic combination, and that fortunate person will receive a copy of Roger Corman’s Cult Classics Sword and Sorcery Collection, featuring Deathstalker, Deathstalker II, The Warrior, and The Sorceress and the Barbarian Queen.

Please Note: I haven’t scene some of these, and can’t comment on their content, but they are rated R. As such, don’t bother entering this contest unless you’re of an appropriate age (18 at least) and disposition to endure the 80’s barbarian-film genre and all it has to offer. And really, if you aren’t 18 yet, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do regarding why you’re listening to our podcast in the first place. 

Best of luck!

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The Videogres Go Down Under

Crikey! The Videogres are watching Crocodile Dundee this week. You’d be wise to check it out.

Also, tune in to next week’s episode for some news on an exciting new contest we’re hosting. It just might change your life*.

Find our exploration of Crocodile Dundee here, or on Itunes.

 

*It will not change your life.

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The Videogres Make a Bloodsport of Pitmas

A brief statement from the Janitor that steals Hossein’s gold tooth after it’s knocked out during his match with Frank Dux:

The worst thing about being a Kumite janitor is the blood. Now, we’re talking standard Kumite here, not AquaKumite, LavaKumite, or the dreaded Royal Jelly Kumite, all of which have their own problems, I’m sure. I don’t work for those Kumites. I work for the old fashioned Kumite, where the fighters do their thing on a big white mat that eventually turns into something like a half-pipe for the final round. But I digress. We were talking about blood.

It gets everywhere. And we do this on a white mat. Do you have any idea what that’s like? Two dumb animals kick the shit out of each other and then the Kumite ref stands there, outraged, staring at me and pointing at the blood-pool on the Kumite mat, like I’m the asshole. Like I’m supposed to defy every law of nature and sweep up a liquid.

You’d think they’d maybe spring for some kind of puke-sawdust for me. They must make that for blood too, right? But no. They give me a shitty broom made of straw, like, here you go, dip-shit. Make magic.

And then one day, in the middle of the Kumite, Frank Dux knocks out some asshole’s tooth. A gold tooth. Naturally, I grab it. A Kumite janitor in my division makes less than a dollar a week and we need to fund our own replacement straw for the brooms. What am I going to do? Sweep it up and bring it to Kumite Lost and Found? Here you go, guys. I’m sure you won’t just keep this for yourselves. Of course not. So I grab it. And let me tell you something, it wasn’t even that nice; it was just a real tooth, plated with gold. I got fifteen bucks for it.

And then the letters started coming in. People were outraged that I would grab the tooth. They said it should go to Frank Dux, back to Hossein, some people even said that I should have given it to that guy that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds, because he just suffered so much at the hands of Chong Li. Chong Li! Can you even believe that? The guy works as a long-haul trucker back in the states, but I’m supposed to give him a gold tooth because some mailman fucked up and delivered a Kumite invitation to his house, and he was stupid enough to accept it? I don’t think so.

Anyway, my point is this: Pitmas is the season of giving and understanding. It’s the season where we take a minute to think before we speak, before we pretend to understand what it’s like to be a Kumite janitor, before we pretend to think that we know everything. Was that tooth a Pitmas Miracle? Sure. But you don’t need a gold plated tooth to celebrate Pitmas. That’s not what it’s about.

I’ll tell you a secret, though. Do you want to know what it’s really about? Buckle up…

The real Pitmas miracle is when you can be a golden tooth to someone else. Think about it. All it takes is a little patience and understanding.

Thank you. Goodnight.

__________________________

Subscribe to The Videogres via Itunes, or download the new episode here to celebrate Pitmas with them!

And don’t forget to deck your screens with Fessenden, fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

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The Videogres Issue a Death Warrant

Listening to this episode is kind of like listening to a first date all over again. You can hear the nervous tremble in our voices as we start the movie and lay eyes on our streaming-video date for the first time. He’s doing the splits between some chairs, winning high-kick contests, and eventually infiltrating a prison to pull the cover off a series of violent prison murders and make sure that the culprits end up behind a smaller set of bars inside the other, larger bars behind which they had already ended up for previous crimes. That’s right! This week, we’re releasing the first Van Damme episode we ever recorded: Death Warrant.

I think it’s safe to say that the Videogre’s unbridled love affair with JCVD is a match made in heaven. To see whether you agree with us, download the episode (and subscribe to us) via Itunes.

 

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The Videogres Meet Hero and the Terror

A few interesting facts about this movie:

  • I don’t remember what it’s about. I’m sure I watched it. My voice is definitely on this recording. Still don’t remember what it is.
  • I tried reading the synopsis on Wikipedia, but it wasn’t very good. At the end, it says: “[…]and the film ends,” as though maybe someone might reach the horrifying conclusion that the movie just goes on forever.
  •  The synopsis doesn’t contain the words loose or cannon, but if you read between the lines, it seems pretty clear that there’s strong undertones suggesting that Chuck Norris is a loose-cannon in this film. This makes him the only actor ever to be a loose cannon in 100% of his roles.
  • I think there might be a scene under a boardwalk.
  • If I were a betting man, I’d bet this won every Academy Award for the year it was released.

You can hear the Videogre commentary for Hero and the Terror by subscribing to our podcast on Itunes, or downloading it here.

Thanks!

-The Videogres

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The Videogres Enter Some Ninjas

In 1981, Franco Nero starred in a ninja movie called Enter the Ninja. At no point in the film does anyone ever truly enter a ninja and no hints are ever offered regarding the significance of entering ninjas. Metaphorical, you say? Maybe. Maybe we’ve all got a little ninja inside us, and this movie was Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus’s way of imploring us to enter it, just a little bit. Enter it…just a little bit.

Regardless, the film is a masterpiece, and whether or not you choose to enter your own personal ninja, you will come away a more worldly and a slightly more ninja-educated person. Watch it twice: once by yourself, then a second time while listening to the Videogres commentary, which you can find on Itunes, or our webpage here.

This episode was recorded sometime in the salad days of 2015, before we gained the perfect mastery of our process that you see today. As such, we forgot to mention that the commentary starts at the absolute beginning of the film. When we reach the end of the countdown, press play and you’ll be good to go.

You are the wind beneath our ninja-wings.

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