Tag Archives: Film

The Videogres Ponder the Shells in Demolition Man

It’s funny how life works sometimes.

The first time I watched Demolition Man, I hated it. Now, twenty-four years later, after watching it a second time, I think it’s fair to say that I saw a completely different movie this time around. The question, then, is which of us changed? Me, or Demolition Man?

I’m gonna go with me on this one, though I wouldn’t put it past our Lizard-People overlords to alter Demolition Man just to mess with me.

Maybe it’s age? Maybe I’ve learned to see the world through new eyes. Maybe I’ve learned to love. Maybe I’ve danced in the rain, like no one was watching. Maybe it’s ironic, don’t you think? Maybe I’ve fallen in love again, for the first time, for the second time, for the first time. Maybe I’ve learned to let my smile change the world, but to never let  the world change my smile. Maybe, just maybe, during those times when there was only one set of footprints on that beach, the Demolition Man was carrying me.

Side question: Who was the Demolition Man, anyway? Was it Snipes or Stallone? I mean, Snipes blew up more shit, but Stallone was wiping his ass with foreign objects and falling in love with rat-meat burgers. Shouldn’t the movie have been called Demolition Men? I digress.

Upon second viewing, I saw beyond the veil and into the deep, throbbing core of Demolition Man. You know what I saw? It might surprise you. I saw a movie that was an even bigger piece of shit than I had initially thought. I saw through the shittiness and saw even more shittiness behind that first shittiness. I’ll bet if I live long enough to see through that second level of shittiness that I’ll see even more shittiness. I’ll bet it’s shittiness all the way through.

You can download our commentary for Demolition Ma(e)n at out Libsyn page, or via Itunes. So go do that already.

P.S. The Deathstalker contest is still on, you fucking monsters. Stop withholding your affection from us.

Tagged , , , , , ,

A Brief Message From Android Cop

Guys, please stop comparing me to Robocop. You act like the world only needs one cop robot. There’s plenty of room for all. Frankly, I’ve got a tremendous amount of respect for RC. The guy was a legend and he paved the way for the rest of us.

I mean, people will go out on a Friday night and pay to hear some asshole sing Willy Nelson covers, but we can’t have one other robot cop without people drawing frivolous comparisons?

My god you humans are a test.

Download the Videogres commentary for Android Cop on Itunes, or via our Libsyn page.

Tagged , , , ,

The Videogres Watch as a Ninja Avenges Himself; Also, a Contest.

Have you ever wondered who can kill a ninja? Spoiler Alert: Only a Ninja can do it! Was that even from this movie? I can’t remember. We might be talking Enter the Ninja right now, or American Ninja, or Ninja III: The Domination, or Ninja Nightmare, or Ninja Assassin or Ninjas Take Manhattan. But let’s not beat around the bush about it. This week’s movie is Revenge of the Ninja.

It’s got all the hallmarks of a great Ninja movie: flips, car chases, swords, shurikens in eyeballs, (keistered?) smoke-bombs, dolls, those magical gang-signs some Ninjas do prior to engaging in combat. It’s got everything. Everything. So go download our commentary for it from our Libsyn page, or Itunes. Frankly we don’t give a shit, as long as you download it.

NOW! TO BUSINESS! As mentioned in this week’s episode, it’s contest time. Add a comment to this post with your suggestion for the next movie we should watch, along with an explanation of why we should watch it. We’ll select a winner based on the quality of the suggestion/logic combination, and that fortunate person will receive a copy of Roger Corman’s Cult Classics Sword and Sorcery Collection, featuring Deathstalker, Deathstalker II, The Warrior, and The Sorceress and the Barbarian Queen.

Please Note: I haven’t scene some of these, and can’t comment on their content, but they are rated R. As such, don’t bother entering this contest unless you’re of an appropriate age (18 at least) and disposition to endure the 80’s barbarian-film genre and all it has to offer. And really, if you aren’t 18 yet, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do regarding why you’re listening to our podcast in the first place. 

Best of luck!

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Videogres Go Down Under

Crikey! The Videogres are watching Crocodile Dundee this week. You’d be wise to check it out.

Also, tune in to next week’s episode for some news on an exciting new contest we’re hosting. It just might change your life*.

Find our exploration of Crocodile Dundee here, or on Itunes.

 

*It will not change your life.

Tagged , , , , ,

The Videogres Make a Bloodsport of Pitmas

A brief statement from the Janitor that steals Hossein’s gold tooth after it’s knocked out during his match with Frank Dux:

The worst thing about being a Kumite janitor is the blood. Now, we’re talking standard Kumite here, not AquaKumite, LavaKumite, or the dreaded Royal Jelly Kumite, all of which have their own problems, I’m sure. I don’t work for those Kumites. I work for the old fashioned Kumite, where the fighters do their thing on a big white mat that eventually turns into something like a half-pipe for the final round. But I digress. We were talking about blood.

It gets everywhere. And we do this on a white mat. Do you have any idea what that’s like? Two dumb animals kick the shit out of each other and then the Kumite ref stands there, outraged, staring at me and pointing at the blood-pool on the Kumite mat, like I’m the asshole. Like I’m supposed to defy every law of nature and sweep up a liquid.

You’d think they’d maybe spring for some kind of puke-sawdust for me. They must make that for blood too, right? But no. They give me a shitty broom made of straw, like, here you go, dip-shit. Make magic.

And then one day, in the middle of the Kumite, Frank Dux knocks out some asshole’s tooth. A gold tooth. Naturally, I grab it. A Kumite janitor in my division makes less than a dollar a week and we need to fund our own replacement straw for the brooms. What am I going to do? Sweep it up and bring it to Kumite Lost and Found? Here you go, guys. I’m sure you won’t just keep this for yourselves. Of course not. So I grab it. And let me tell you something, it wasn’t even that nice; it was just a real tooth, plated with gold. I got fifteen bucks for it.

And then the letters started coming in. People were outraged that I would grab the tooth. They said it should go to Frank Dux, back to Hossein, some people even said that I should have given it to that guy that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds, because he just suffered so much at the hands of Chong Li. Chong Li! Can you even believe that? The guy works as a long-haul trucker back in the states, but I’m supposed to give him a gold tooth because some mailman fucked up and delivered a Kumite invitation to his house, and he was stupid enough to accept it? I don’t think so.

Anyway, my point is this: Pitmas is the season of giving and understanding. It’s the season where we take a minute to think before we speak, before we pretend to understand what it’s like to be a Kumite janitor, before we pretend to think that we know everything. Was that tooth a Pitmas Miracle? Sure. But you don’t need a gold plated tooth to celebrate Pitmas. That’s not what it’s about.

I’ll tell you a secret, though. Do you want to know what it’s really about? Buckle up…

The real Pitmas miracle is when you can be a golden tooth to someone else. Think about it. All it takes is a little patience and understanding.

Thank you. Goodnight.

__________________________

Subscribe to The Videogres via Itunes, or download the new episode here to celebrate Pitmas with them!

And don’t forget to deck your screens with Fessenden, fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

Tagged , , , , , ,

The Videogres Issue a Death Warrant

Listening to this episode is kind of like listening to a first date all over again. You can hear the nervous tremble in our voices as we start the movie and lay eyes on our streaming-video date for the first time. He’s doing the splits between some chairs, winning high-kick contests, and eventually infiltrating a prison to pull the cover off a series of violent prison murders and make sure that the culprits end up behind a smaller set of bars inside the other, larger bars behind which they had already ended up for previous crimes. That’s right! This week, we’re releasing the first Van Damme episode we ever recorded: Death Warrant.

I think it’s safe to say that the Videogre’s unbridled love affair with JCVD is a match made in heaven. To see whether you agree with us, download the episode (and subscribe to us) via Itunes.

 

Tagged , , , , ,

The Videogres Suffer a Double Impact

Many years ago, a man named Sheldon Lettich walked in to the desert to have a vision quest. With the bitter taste of Peyote lingering in his mouth, he found a spot of shade near a an outcropping of rock, and sat down to meditate.

Over the course of that afternoon, the sun crawled across the sky, burning down on Sheldon, forcing every trace of spiritual impurity out through his pores. As darkness fell, he heard a lone wolf howling in the distance and opened his eyes. In the clear night sky, a spectral vision coalesced. A man. Two chairs. The man doing the splits between those two chairs.

As Sheldon watched, the spectral figure descended from the sky to sit and join him in his meditations.

“I am the Celestial Van Damme” the spectral figure said. “Why are you in my desert?”

“I’m a director, Mr. Spectral Van Damme,” Sheldon replied. “I’ve come for inspiration.”

“If it’s inspiration you want,” the Spectral Van Damme began. He never finished his thought. Moving like a viper, he threw a handful of gravel in Sheldon Lettich’s eyes and proceeded to assail the poor director’s face with a series of interlocked roundhouse kicks.

When Sheldon woke, Celestial Van Damme was standing over him. Sheldon’s eyes, clogged with dirt and swollen from roundhouse-kicks, allowed him to see only the blurriest outline of Van Damme’s figure as it split and doubled in his unfocused eyes.

“Take from this what you will,” Celestial Van Damme said, mounting a wolf the size of a Clydesdale and riding it into the stars.

The vision was clear. Sheldon Lettich ran all the way from the desert to Hollywood, then on across the ocean to Hong Kong, writing a script as he went. When he arrived, he made history by filming a movie with 200% the Van Damme of any movie that came before it.

Join the Videogres as we go on our own vision quest with Sheldon Lettich’s celestial Van Damme masterpiece, Double Impact.

You can find the podcast here, or subscribe to us on Itunes.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Videogres Visit The Danger Zone

That’s right, Ice…man. I am dangerous. -Maverick

Some relevant Top Gun haiku:

 

Burning through the sky.

It’s time for a flyby, Goose.

Buzzing the tower.

 

The loss of control.

Loose cannons in the jet-wash.

Goose ejects. Goodbye.

 

Coffee spills, chest burns.

You’re a real pair of cowboys.

Got me good, fucker.

 

Greasy men glistening,

in testosterone contest.

Top Gun Volley-ball.

Join the Videogres this week as we watch Top Gun. You can find the episode here, or subscribe to us on iTunes.

In other news, we’re accepting movie-suggestions. Contact us at videogres (at sign) Gmail dot com.

 

Tagged , , , ,

Videogres Episode 20: Pound of Flesh

Note to criminals: When removing a kidney from Jean Claude Van Damme, know that you haven’t beaten him. You’ve only made him more aerodynamic. You’ve made him more light on his feet. You’ve only created a space that his body will automatically use for a greater range of roundhouse kicks. The leg raises, the innards shift, intestines flow in to the space formerly occupied by the absentee kidney allowing the leg to stretch even higher, and if you’re in the know about Van Damme, you know that his kicks are already pretty high and you’ve really created a problem for yourself now. Kidney-less kicks push the diamond gusseted crotch of his fight-pants to the limit, so thankfully Chuck Norris made sure those crotches are built to last despite the punishing conditions that exist in the crotch of an expert martial artist.

You haven’t won. You’ve signed your death warrant. That’s another Van Damme movie I think. Coincidence? I doubt it.

You picked the wrong Muay Thai kidney.

Go listen to the Videogres commentary for Pound of Flesh. You can download it from our blog, or Itunes. Your choice. On us.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

My Speech to the Graduating Class of 1999, as portrayed in the movie Class of 1999

Well gang, i’d be lying if I said this hasn’t been quite a year.

Where to begin?

I think we’re all still reeling from the death of Sonny Culp, first of all. Addiction is a terrible thing, but being forcefully overdosed by a crazed cyborg in the hallway of your school is a real bummer, you know? Not to mention the fact that we were never truly allowed to morn Sonny’s passing, given the immediate outbreak of war between the Blackhearts and Razorheads, which then spilled over into an apocalyptic fracas between the students and our murderous robotic faculty.

Yep. Quite a year. It’s hard to believe that I graduated only two short years ago. We had a water balloon fight at my school. Forget Edge, back in my day we thought Peppermint Schnapps was a crazy time. Our teachers just beat us with their words and hands, not military ordnance fired from a futuristic robotic hand cannon. But what am I doing? Taking a trip down memory lane? Suffice it to say that it was a simpler time back in those days. One wonders how things changed so much.

Then of course we come to the death of Angel Culp. Tiny, sweet, freaky little Angel. He never really looked right, but I think that’s one of the reasons we all loved him so. And the way he went…Dying early is terrible under any circumstances, but to have a robot kill you by smashing you against a wall, it’s just…

*WIPES FACE, REGAINS COMPOSURE*

Angel was a freaky little dude and he didn’t deserve what he got. And who can forget missus Culp, faced with the prospect of buying two caskets for two sons, all the while supporting her own raging drug habit. From what I understand, she was able to save some money by burying Angel and Sonny in the same casket, but that’s cold comfort to a mother, I’m sure.

Beyond the staggering loss of life and the catastrophic failure of our Cyborg Teacher pilot program, we’re also dealing with the complete destruction of our beloved school, during which we lost numerous unnamed Blackhearts and Razorheads. Thankfully Cody Culp made it out alive, but only after being forced to kill one of the teachers with a forklift. That’s the kind of thing that stays with a person for a lifetime, Cody, but we’re all glad you did it, and that’s why you’re this year’s Valedictorian, despite the fact that you’re barely literate, have nowhere near the required amount of credits necessary for graduation, and that you’ve spent less than three days in school over the last five years combined. Also, let’s face facts, you were never cut-out for work in the corporate sector. You’ll probably wind up telemarketing or something. So congratulations on that diploma and thanks for killing those Cyborgs. Say hi to your mother for me.

Advice. What advice can I offer you that you haven’t already gleaned from the collective near-death experience we’ve all just endured? For one, if you’re ever approached by a mega-corporation offering you demilitarized cyborgs as teacher stand-ins, you’re going to want to take a hard pass on that one. Second, if the trends in this school year are any indicator of the future, as I believe they are, it’s a good time to invest in Edge, junk-piles, and caskets. Also, don’t bother quitting your gang in an attempt to go straight; it’s a recipe for disaster and you’ll undoubtedly end up right back where you started. Bonus: behave in class, because you never know when a teacher might chuck you against a wall or fill your mouth with vials of illicit drugs and smash your head in a locker.

Also, guys, wear sunscreen. Thank you. Goodnight.

(The Videogres Podcommentary for the smash-hit, award-winning science fiction masterpiece Class of 1999 can be found on their Libsyn page, or by searching Videogres on ITunes.)

Tagged , , , , , ,