Tag Archives: JCVD

The Videogres Make a Bloodsport of Pitmas

A brief statement from the Janitor that steals Hossein’s gold tooth after it’s knocked out during his match with Frank Dux:

The worst thing about being a Kumite janitor is the blood. Now, we’re talking standard Kumite here, not AquaKumite, LavaKumite, or the dreaded Royal Jelly Kumite, all of which have their own problems, I’m sure. I don’t work for those Kumites. I work for the old fashioned Kumite, where the fighters do their thing on a big white mat that eventually turns into something like a half-pipe for the final round. But I digress. We were talking about blood.

It gets everywhere. And we do this on a white mat. Do you have any idea what that’s like? Two dumb animals kick the shit out of each other and then the Kumite ref stands there, outraged, staring at me and pointing at the blood-pool on the Kumite mat, like I’m the asshole. Like I’m supposed to defy every law of nature and sweep up a liquid.

You’d think they’d maybe spring for some kind of puke-sawdust for me. They must make that for blood too, right? But no. They give me a shitty broom made of straw, like, here you go, dip-shit. Make magic.

And then one day, in the middle of the Kumite, Frank Dux knocks out some asshole’s tooth. A gold tooth. Naturally, I grab it. A Kumite janitor in my division makes less than a dollar a week and we need to fund our own replacement straw for the brooms. What am I going to do? Sweep it up and bring it to Kumite Lost and Found? Here you go, guys. I’m sure you won’t just keep this for yourselves. Of course not. So I grab it. And let me tell you something, it wasn’t even that nice; it was just a real tooth, plated with gold. I got fifteen bucks for it.

And then the letters started coming in. People were outraged that I would grab the tooth. They said it should go to Frank Dux, back to Hossein, some people even said that I should have given it to that guy that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds, because he just suffered so much at the hands of Chong Li. Chong Li! Can you even believe that? The guy works as a long-haul trucker back in the states, but I’m supposed to give him a gold tooth because some mailman fucked up and delivered a Kumite invitation to his house, and he was stupid enough to accept it? I don’t think so.

Anyway, my point is this: Pitmas is the season of giving and understanding. It’s the season where we take a minute to think before we speak, before we pretend to understand what it’s like to be a Kumite janitor, before we pretend to think that we know everything. Was that tooth a Pitmas Miracle? Sure. But you don’t need a gold plated tooth to celebrate Pitmas. That’s not what it’s about.

I’ll tell you a secret, though. Do you want to know what it’s really about? Buckle up…

The real Pitmas miracle is when you can be a golden tooth to someone else. Think about it. All it takes is a little patience and understanding.

Thank you. Goodnight.

__________________________

Subscribe to The Videogres via Itunes, or download the new episode here to celebrate Pitmas with them!

And don’t forget to deck your screens with Fessenden, fa la la la la, la la la la.

 

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The Videogres Issue a Death Warrant

Listening to this episode is kind of like listening to a first date all over again. You can hear the nervous tremble in our voices as we start the movie and lay eyes on our streaming-video date for the first time. He’s doing the splits between some chairs, winning high-kick contests, and eventually infiltrating a prison to pull the cover off a series of violent prison murders and make sure that the culprits end up behind a smaller set of bars inside the other, larger bars behind which they had already ended up for previous crimes. That’s right! This week, we’re releasing the first Van Damme episode we ever recorded: Death Warrant.

I think it’s safe to say that the Videogre’s unbridled love affair with JCVD is a match made in heaven. To see whether you agree with us, download the episode (and subscribe to us) via Itunes.

 

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The Videogres Suffer a Double Impact

Many years ago, a man named Sheldon Lettich walked in to the desert to have a vision quest. With the bitter taste of Peyote lingering in his mouth, he found a spot of shade near a an outcropping of rock, and sat down to meditate.

Over the course of that afternoon, the sun crawled across the sky, burning down on Sheldon, forcing every trace of spiritual impurity out through his pores. As darkness fell, he heard a lone wolf howling in the distance and opened his eyes. In the clear night sky, a spectral vision coalesced. A man. Two chairs. The man doing the splits between those two chairs.

As Sheldon watched, the spectral figure descended from the sky to sit and join him in his meditations.

“I am the Celestial Van Damme” the spectral figure said. “Why are you in my desert?”

“I’m a director, Mr. Spectral Van Damme,” Sheldon replied. “I’ve come for inspiration.”

“If it’s inspiration you want,” the Spectral Van Damme began. He never finished his thought. Moving like a viper, he threw a handful of gravel in Sheldon Lettich’s eyes and proceeded to assail the poor director’s face with a series of interlocked roundhouse kicks.

When Sheldon woke, Celestial Van Damme was standing over him. Sheldon’s eyes, clogged with dirt and swollen from roundhouse-kicks, allowed him to see only the blurriest outline of Van Damme’s figure as it split and doubled in his unfocused eyes.

“Take from this what you will,” Celestial Van Damme said, mounting a wolf the size of a Clydesdale and riding it into the stars.

The vision was clear. Sheldon Lettich ran all the way from the desert to Hollywood, then on across the ocean to Hong Kong, writing a script as he went. When he arrived, he made history by filming a movie with 200% the Van Damme of any movie that came before it.

Join the Videogres as we go on our own vision quest with Sheldon Lettich’s celestial Van Damme masterpiece, Double Impact.

You can find the podcast here, or subscribe to us on Itunes.

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Videogres Episode 20: Pound of Flesh

Note to criminals: When removing a kidney from Jean Claude Van Damme, know that you haven’t beaten him. You’ve only made him more aerodynamic. You’ve made him more light on his feet. You’ve only created a space that his body will automatically use for a greater range of roundhouse kicks. The leg raises, the innards shift, intestines flow in to the space formerly occupied by the absentee kidney allowing the leg to stretch even higher, and if you’re in the know about Van Damme, you know that his kicks are already pretty high and you’ve really created a problem for yourself now. Kidney-less kicks push the diamond gusseted crotch of his fight-pants to the limit, so thankfully Chuck Norris made sure those crotches are built to last despite the punishing conditions that exist in the crotch of an expert martial artist.

You haven’t won. You’ve signed your death warrant. That’s another Van Damme movie I think. Coincidence? I doubt it.

You picked the wrong Muay Thai kidney.

Go listen to the Videogres commentary for Pound of Flesh. You can download it from our blog, or Itunes. Your choice. On us.

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