Tag Archives: Videogres

The Videogres Issue a Death Warrant

Listening to this episode is kind of like listening to a first date all over again. You can hear the nervous tremble in our voices as we start the movie and lay eyes on our streaming-video date for the first time. He’s doing the splits between some chairs, winning high-kick contests, and eventually infiltrating a prison to pull the cover off a series of violent prison murders and make sure that the culprits end up behind a smaller set of bars inside the other, larger bars behind which they had already ended up for previous crimes. That’s right! This week, we’re releasing the first Van Damme episode we ever recorded: Death Warrant.

I think it’s safe to say that the Videogre’s unbridled love affair with JCVD is a match made in heaven. To see whether you agree with us, download the episode (and subscribe to us) via Itunes.

 

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The Videogres Meet Hero and the Terror

A few interesting facts about this movie:

  • I don’t remember what it’s about. I’m sure I watched it. My voice is definitely on this recording. Still don’t remember what it is.
  • I tried reading the synopsis on Wikipedia, but it wasn’t very good. At the end, it says: “[…]and the film ends,” as though maybe someone might reach the horrifying conclusion that the movie just goes on forever.
  •  The synopsis doesn’t contain the words loose or cannon, but if you read between the lines, it seems pretty clear that there’s strong undertones suggesting that Chuck Norris is a loose-cannon in this film. This makes him the only actor ever to be a loose cannon in 100% of his roles.
  • I think there might be a scene under a boardwalk.
  • If I were a betting man, I’d bet this won every Academy Award for the year it was released.

You can hear the Videogre commentary for Hero and the Terror by subscribing to our podcast on Itunes, or downloading it here.

Thanks!

-The Videogres

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The Videogres Knit Their Own Red Diapers with Zardoz

Zed is a simple man. He’s got his gun, he’s got his red-diaper. He’s got a dope pony tail.

And yet he pushes the boundaries, jeopardizing all that he has in the process, by climbing into the mouth of the flying head that barfs guns for his people.

You say you’ve heard the story before? Of course you have. It’s a tale as old as time. A chestnut.

Join the Videogres as they pull back the curtain–wink/wink/nudge/nudge–to examine the Zardoz that lurks in our collective soul.

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The Videogres Suffer a Double Impact

Many years ago, a man named Sheldon Lettich walked in to the desert to have a vision quest. With the bitter taste of Peyote lingering in his mouth, he found a spot of shade near a an outcropping of rock, and sat down to meditate.

Over the course of that afternoon, the sun crawled across the sky, burning down on Sheldon, forcing every trace of spiritual impurity out through his pores. As darkness fell, he heard a lone wolf howling in the distance and opened his eyes. In the clear night sky, a spectral vision coalesced. A man. Two chairs. The man doing the splits between those two chairs.

As Sheldon watched, the spectral figure descended from the sky to sit and join him in his meditations.

“I am the Celestial Van Damme” the spectral figure said. “Why are you in my desert?”

“I’m a director, Mr. Spectral Van Damme,” Sheldon replied. “I’ve come for inspiration.”

“If it’s inspiration you want,” the Spectral Van Damme began. He never finished his thought. Moving like a viper, he threw a handful of gravel in Sheldon Lettich’s eyes and proceeded to assail the poor director’s face with a series of interlocked roundhouse kicks.

When Sheldon woke, Celestial Van Damme was standing over him. Sheldon’s eyes, clogged with dirt and swollen from roundhouse-kicks, allowed him to see only the blurriest outline of Van Damme’s figure as it split and doubled in his unfocused eyes.

“Take from this what you will,” Celestial Van Damme said, mounting a wolf the size of a Clydesdale and riding it into the stars.

The vision was clear. Sheldon Lettich ran all the way from the desert to Hollywood, then on across the ocean to Hong Kong, writing a script as he went. When he arrived, he made history by filming a movie with 200% the Van Damme of any movie that came before it.

Join the Videogres as we go on our own vision quest with Sheldon Lettich’s celestial Van Damme masterpiece, Double Impact.

You can find the podcast here, or subscribe to us on Itunes.

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The Videogres Visit The Octagon

We The Videogres have recommitted to our podcasting schedule. We’re going to do an episode a week, come hell or high water, even if it kills us. And when it comes to the subject of killing, there’s no one more qualified to speak than the master of murder himself, Chuck Norris. Who better to represent the Videogres Relaunch?

As with most of our episodes, this was recorded at some distant point in the past which none of us can remember. As far as I can tell, none of us can even remember the movie, which doesn’t really speak well for its quality. That’s a good thing, though. The Videogres live and breathe movies of dubious quality.

Step into the Octagon with us as we kick-off a brand new era of Videogre productivity and quality.

You can find the episode on Itunes or here. Your choice. Choose wisely.

DIAMOND GUSSETS.

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Videogres Episode 20: Pound of Flesh

Note to criminals: When removing a kidney from Jean Claude Van Damme, know that you haven’t beaten him. You’ve only made him more aerodynamic. You’ve made him more light on his feet. You’ve only created a space that his body will automatically use for a greater range of roundhouse kicks. The leg raises, the innards shift, intestines flow in to the space formerly occupied by the absentee kidney allowing the leg to stretch even higher, and if you’re in the know about Van Damme, you know that his kicks are already pretty high and you’ve really created a problem for yourself now. Kidney-less kicks push the diamond gusseted crotch of his fight-pants to the limit, so thankfully Chuck Norris made sure those crotches are built to last despite the punishing conditions that exist in the crotch of an expert martial artist.

You haven’t won. You’ve signed your death warrant. That’s another Van Damme movie I think. Coincidence? I doubt it.

You picked the wrong Muay Thai kidney.

Go listen to the Videogres commentary for Pound of Flesh. You can download it from our blog, or Itunes. Your choice. On us.

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The Videogres are Dead Silent

I think it’s safe to say that you’re never quite the same after you watch Dead Silence. It’s a movie that gets under your skin, puts its hand on your spinal cord and makes you sit on its lap and sing a song (Swan River, maybe) while it drinks a cup of water.

It’s a movie that makes you ponder the universe. It makes you ask the deep questions.

What makes a good puppet cop? Could I be a puppet cop? Does my community college offer a puppet cop program? Does my city have a vibrant puppet cop beat that I could be working? Is this what’s been missing all my life? Jesus Christ, is this why I’ve been watching these Jeff Dunham specials over and over and over again? Is this why I get chills every time I attend an elementary school holiday program and see a kindergartner in a tuxedo? Why are my hands suddenly numb?

Straight from the Videogre Vaults, recorded at some point in late 2014 or early 2015 (these things aren’t an exact science), join us as we settle in for a sweet helping of ventriloquism, puppet graveyards, and Donny Wahlberg in…Dead Silence.

Also, subscribe to our show on Itunes already. What the hell is wrong with you?

You can also find the episode on our Libsyn page, here.

VIDEOGRE SPECIAL NOTE: This episode was recorded with a fair amount of mouth breathing. We apologize for that. We’re still working out the details of our set-up and we hope to not sound like a room full of wheezing manatees in the near future.

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